Before today i have drafted a blog to send out which i have never really send until today but as i read it back i have learnt something new from today meeting with yo. It seems like life is not just about how others think of me or about our complicated relationship but more about our future and our feeling of belonging as well as hapiness Anyway i decided to put it up my earlier thought and to tell myself how much have changed in a short 11 days period.
"Since her arrival in Perth till today, i feel very much insecure for the first time. Is it the feeling of losing out or is it the feeling of afraid to lose her or knowing i will lose her? Many may think i am making a silly comment when she is here with me, why should i be worried about such things. Well, i guess it is the argument and quarrelling make me feel that she get sick and tired of me. Lately, her attitude and annoyance of thinking i have become very unreasonable make me feel that she are getting bored of me and wanting to pull herself away from me."
Well wonder what had? Learn to cheerish the precious 1 month with her in Perth before she return to Malaysia for good is more important than anything else in the moment.
Eventhough i am a third party in this relationship, i have never regretted to love her and showing my feeling to her. Some people may think if i knew it why do i still have to continue going after her or why doesn't she reject me once and for all. I certainly agree with many of them before all the incident i have before 2004. However all of these have changed since the existence of my ex-gf and now her.
I now believe that love is unfair and basically it is like a competing world for "survivor of the fittest". I certainly believe also if i never try i will never know she love me or not and i have reduce my chance of being with her to 0% instead of 50-50. Indeed today might not be the happiest moment as seeing her with her bf, but we will never know what will happen next.
There will certainly be remarks about me or asking me, "what if that is your girlfriend, do you wish someone do that back to you?". My answer will be NO but on the condition she loves me with all her heart and have certainly no feeling for the person. However if that, she has feeling for him with/without me, i will certainly choose to let her choose again. As mention early, Love is like a competing world based not just solely about the feeling but also compatibility, future, happiness, memories you wish to have with that person and certainly about how his/her family think of you. Everyone have the right for the best person for them. Isn't it? What's wrong about it? When decision can't be made aren't we feel like keeping things low and simple and not trying to make it complicated? Is others' people point of view important?
Yes, everyone has a right to choose for the best. Nothing is wrong about it. Keeping it low and simple is better. Others' views are not always important as they don't know your situation better than you or your love one, it is also certainly your own life and her life. We choose our own pathway.
Well..... That is just full of my philosophy and now.... many might be guessing what i learn in the meeting that changes everything.
What are there problems between us? What is the cause? How should we be looking at the situtation and resolve it. Certainly but no mean many of our problems are baseless when i think of it back and many are based on our own emotions of trying to keep oursleves in a low profile situation which have certianly become a habit to us as one of us has started to engage and trying to move forward and change the relationship we have.
It was during the meeting i kinda wake up that what is more important now. Maintaining a strong bond with her and try to keep the relationship in a happy and transparent stage. Give one another the space and time to understand one another and certainly time to resolve our complicated relationship. It is easy to fall in love but hard to maintain the feeling.
Finally i would just say, if we meant to be for one another, eventhough someone trying to break us apart it will not be broken and certainly the same apply to when people trying critise my way to love her. But if we are not for one another then it will be pointless to talk about it eventhough if not one say anything about us the realationship will not last.
Therefore from now i will look forward build a better future for myself and certainly with her existence. To all my friends, i am certainly very gladful for your comment and never actually prevent me from loving her especially Mien, Lin, Tiffy, Mun and Dine Cehceh which i have talk to so in depth about And also for all my friend that i have not mention for your endless support till today on me and never give up hope on me.... Well i have a next update soon about my Day today... :D and the past few days with my beloved Yo.... :D.
P/S:- Guess what... While i am typing this blog... a gal beside me name Yoshiko... is cleaning my keyboard and for once my keyboard look cleaner... thank you dear dear... i am glad to have you here with me and supporting me... Thank you very much for the bracelet you get for me... it look so tribal but i guess i love it as it is not only my taste but also a gift for you... :D Mauhzzz
Feel like the happiest person alive now to have by my side....
Sunday, 20 March 2005
Tuesday, 22 February 2005
The Life of a Graduate (:P)
Well...... Gooddd.......... News.............. For Everyone............ I have graduated from my degree and now i am a B.com in Global Economics and Finance. For only a Weekend i was no longer recognised as a student hehehhee :P welll guess why....... coz i have enrolled into my new course of Graduate Diploma in International Relations. Future leader in Asia. hehehehe Teo Kian Kee....
What make my life even better is that, i met His majesty Sultan of Brunei on Saturday...... and later that night i attended my love one graduation. :D.
Well as always good news always come with a bad news... i have burn my face with a hair removal lotion and it is really painful.... but what is event more painful is that i become a laughing stock to everyone i knew. :(... sa... right wat a friends they r... hehehhee. joking lah... at least they seem happy and have something to laugh about. anyway..... my dream will go on with her support hopefully....
What make my life even better is that, i met His majesty Sultan of Brunei on Saturday...... and later that night i attended my love one graduation. :D.
Well as always good news always come with a bad news... i have burn my face with a hair removal lotion and it is really painful.... but what is event more painful is that i become a laughing stock to everyone i knew. :(... sa... right wat a friends they r... hehehhee. joking lah... at least they seem happy and have something to laugh about. anyway..... my dream will go on with her support hopefully....
Tuesday, 15 February 2005
End of My Valentine Days
Februaury 14, As i was driving back home from university, i went passed Ciao Italia. It was a very romantic atmosphere, i see so many couple. they were hugging each other, waiting for tables with the girl leaning on the boy and looking at the menu. It was such an happy moment for couple on Valentine day and yet i am lonely here single and helpless.
Yet most amazingly, the sun was only reflecting on one of the city building. that is the AAPT bulding and directly at the revolving restaurant. It was the restaurant that i have planned to bring my love one this year but end up, i don't have such a chance.
Well, things never end at such a great day. It seems like it is the end of my valentine days on a day after valentine day itself. Feb 15th. The long waited story finally ends, my heart has been crashed and destory completely. My dream and future ends here with despair and misery. I once told myself, i will not let this love ends but i guess i have no choice. i don't have the strength to keep the flame burning and keep it eternally like the burning flame in Kings Park and Paris. I have lost and lost badly. It is a punishment for years of sins and unfaithfulness. No one to be blame but myslef. For someone not to love and care about me and lied to me is my punishment. i will never forget that what i deserve. To be unloved, to be lied to be hurt and to suffer.
Goodbye my love, i no longer will be a burden for you. i no longer will be the foundation for you. i no longer will trouble you. i certianly will disappear from you eternally. hoping you will have a happy future without my shadow and misery i have caused you. this will be the dying of the burning flame.
Yet most amazingly, the sun was only reflecting on one of the city building. that is the AAPT bulding and directly at the revolving restaurant. It was the restaurant that i have planned to bring my love one this year but end up, i don't have such a chance.
Well, things never end at such a great day. It seems like it is the end of my valentine days on a day after valentine day itself. Feb 15th. The long waited story finally ends, my heart has been crashed and destory completely. My dream and future ends here with despair and misery. I once told myself, i will not let this love ends but i guess i have no choice. i don't have the strength to keep the flame burning and keep it eternally like the burning flame in Kings Park and Paris. I have lost and lost badly. It is a punishment for years of sins and unfaithfulness. No one to be blame but myslef. For someone not to love and care about me and lied to me is my punishment. i will never forget that what i deserve. To be unloved, to be lied to be hurt and to suffer.
Goodbye my love, i no longer will be a burden for you. i no longer will be the foundation for you. i no longer will trouble you. i certianly will disappear from you eternally. hoping you will have a happy future without my shadow and misery i have caused you. this will be the dying of the burning flame.
Sunday, 13 February 2005
End of my Degree
Well... i have finish my final two unit. hoepfully i can pass all of it and graduate.... i kinda sacred at the moment with one fo my unit as i don't ahve a pretty good mark and lack of the confidence for that paper. Hope my prayer and anyone who have supported will make these work out for me.
Well tommorow is Valentine Day, yet i am alone in Perth. going to have a normal day, work at 8.30am till 5.30 pm at Curtin Student Guild then going home clean the house bit by bit. hopefully by 21 feb it will look brand new for inspection.
Well good news is that i will be moving out of that place by 27 feb, if everything goes smoothly. and be able to graduate from my degree and continue my gradaute diploma in international relations.
Howvere good news alwaysa come with bad news, i currently haven;t found any place to stay yet at all and will be homeless by 27 feb. other then that i am also not sure about my result until sometime this week. :(. i am also currently alone in Perth eventhough Joey, Dine and David are here, but i still feel lonely. It is the first time i feel i have lost the complete of me. Is like my heart no longer want to be in Perth for the first time. no longer have the heart to apply PR. hm... welll guess what...
I will go agianst all my will and heart to fight this difficulty and successfully defeat my evil self in my heart. the evil of keeping myself close into the love and never consider my future and my life. It seem like a diffcult move to take but no one can deny it that it going to be the most hurting step i goona take....
Anyway ... wish all of you a happy chinese new year and get more ang pow and give me some.... i so kolian no angpow this year.....
Well tommorow is Valentine Day, yet i am alone in Perth. going to have a normal day, work at 8.30am till 5.30 pm at Curtin Student Guild then going home clean the house bit by bit. hopefully by 21 feb it will look brand new for inspection.
Well good news is that i will be moving out of that place by 27 feb, if everything goes smoothly. and be able to graduate from my degree and continue my gradaute diploma in international relations.
Howvere good news alwaysa come with bad news, i currently haven;t found any place to stay yet at all and will be homeless by 27 feb. other then that i am also not sure about my result until sometime this week. :(. i am also currently alone in Perth eventhough Joey, Dine and David are here, but i still feel lonely. It is the first time i feel i have lost the complete of me. Is like my heart no longer want to be in Perth for the first time. no longer have the heart to apply PR. hm... welll guess what...
I will go agianst all my will and heart to fight this difficulty and successfully defeat my evil self in my heart. the evil of keeping myself close into the love and never consider my future and my life. It seem like a diffcult move to take but no one can deny it that it going to be the most hurting step i goona take....
Anyway ... wish all of you a happy chinese new year and get more ang pow and give me some.... i so kolian no angpow this year.....
Tuesday, 1 February 2005
My Future, My Life
As i was reading the 'Youthful Diary' of Daisaku Ikeda some of his poem and words strucks my attention.
Pg 45
I am young. I will advance. Straight ahead, on the road I must follow.
I am young. I will fulfil what the heavens have ordained.
I am young. I will muster my courage, convinced that all struggles under my teacher's
guidance will lead to the good.
Pg 51
Youth!
Know the statelt swells of the Pacific.
Know the blazing passion of the sun.
Know the solemnity of the mountian recesses.
Know the graceful scarlet of the autumn maples.
Youth!
Live without forgetting these.
Advance with them in your hearts.
Youth!
Be courageous in today's battle.
Celebrate tomorrow's ideal.
Forget the dreams of the past.
Arise, for the dreams of the future!
Youth!
Advance, advance,
Onward and eternally.
Reading more on his dairy, i feel supported by the words. A person courage and believe in the things they do and the this care so much in. Eventhough, i try to make my friend reply my last post to scold me or anything. I feel i am running away from the truth and the fact that deep down in my heart i have my answer. That is to study and move on with my life, with or without her.
I have make myself fall into the trap of depression and crisis myself when i can choose not too. I know i have everyone support including her but my fear of losing out is just not worth it. It maybe now she meant so much to me but it doesn't meant it will last forever if she choose not to be with me. As a member of today society, i should start to have faith and believe in faith.
Reading a book froma man who is a disciple of buddhism, i am honour to know that he too has his time of diffuculty and face it like a disciple of buddhism. Needless to say, i came from the orgin of buddhism, i feel ashame for not acting like one and apply the philosophical of buddhism into myself. Eventhough that Nichiren Buddhism a subsect of the buddhism but its' teaching are mainly come from the true buddhism where it is philosophical based and there is no god but ourself learning to use our inner strength to attain buddhahood. I feel it is my time to do as well to take my where i left in my believe and learn more.
As more i read about Ikeda book, i feel like i gain knowledge and undertsanding on life itself and what one can achieve in life by just believing in a religion that no other than believe to use our inner strength and philosophy.
I will take a day off tomorrow from everything and learn to make use of my time to find out and think of what i really wanna get out of my messy life.
Pg 45
I am young. I will advance. Straight ahead, on the road I must follow.
I am young. I will fulfil what the heavens have ordained.
I am young. I will muster my courage, convinced that all struggles under my teacher's
guidance will lead to the good.
Pg 51
Youth!
Know the statelt swells of the Pacific.
Know the blazing passion of the sun.
Know the solemnity of the mountian recesses.
Know the graceful scarlet of the autumn maples.
Youth!
Live without forgetting these.
Advance with them in your hearts.
Youth!
Be courageous in today's battle.
Celebrate tomorrow's ideal.
Forget the dreams of the past.
Arise, for the dreams of the future!
Youth!
Advance, advance,
Onward and eternally.
Reading more on his dairy, i feel supported by the words. A person courage and believe in the things they do and the this care so much in. Eventhough, i try to make my friend reply my last post to scold me or anything. I feel i am running away from the truth and the fact that deep down in my heart i have my answer. That is to study and move on with my life, with or without her.
I have make myself fall into the trap of depression and crisis myself when i can choose not too. I know i have everyone support including her but my fear of losing out is just not worth it. It maybe now she meant so much to me but it doesn't meant it will last forever if she choose not to be with me. As a member of today society, i should start to have faith and believe in faith.
Reading a book froma man who is a disciple of buddhism, i am honour to know that he too has his time of diffuculty and face it like a disciple of buddhism. Needless to say, i came from the orgin of buddhism, i feel ashame for not acting like one and apply the philosophical of buddhism into myself. Eventhough that Nichiren Buddhism a subsect of the buddhism but its' teaching are mainly come from the true buddhism where it is philosophical based and there is no god but ourself learning to use our inner strength to attain buddhahood. I feel it is my time to do as well to take my where i left in my believe and learn more.
As more i read about Ikeda book, i feel like i gain knowledge and undertsanding on life itself and what one can achieve in life by just believing in a religion that no other than believe to use our inner strength and philosophy.
I will take a day off tomorrow from everything and learn to make use of my time to find out and think of what i really wanna get out of my messy life.
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