Life is As Shit AS it gets.....

It has been a long time since i have type such. I am entering my final two month in my studies with my 15,000 words thesis still unwrittern. I seriously don't know how to start or write it as everytime when i took the book out and read i seem like demotivated for some reasons.

I have lost motivation in almost everything now except for my B.S.A.W.A. because i have a hope in where this organisation might bring me... good job in the future, where i am worried the most. As for NLCWEST well very much speechless because the organisation has been dead as all can see, my office bearer are not motivated to do thier jobs, when you tell them to do it they told you yes, but they don;t do it. i as a leader feel so shameless to lead this bunch of people who don;t really want to do thier jobs.

In term of personal life, well well what can i say up and down as usual. I guess what i can say now is a down period.... it suddenly bring me to think back about my time back in Brunei and Malaysia with my gf. It seem like at the time in the r/s where you are thinking of breaking up or choose to give up. Seriously, i don;t know what to do..... it seem so many is going on...... i am so lost.... i spend alot of money on many things unnecessary things most of it..... i am slacking.... i am inconsiderate..... thw worst of the worst person alive now i feel....

My gf is now thinking of leaving me.... and she is considering.... now after a long talk with her... but to tell you the truth.... i have no confident at alll... WHY? welll one of it i guess, it has been in her heart that i am always not caring, not loving, not considerate, not understanding and bad temper..... i am the worst bf that she can ever imagine to be near now.... i guess maybe she is right... because lately, i seriously don't know what to talk to her or what to share to her.

Sometime she will tell me that, she knows she is demanding and hard to handle but sometime she will say that she is very matching with her ex-bf when talking on the phone. Like how humourous he is, how he can understand her and make her luagh, he will support and stand by her side when she is in trouble and also how in term of long distance r/s that both of them can talk on the phone without complaining about the financials.

I feel so much sadden by the fact of all that sometime i wish i can tell her that of how i feel at one time, what i am going to do, what i am thinking, what i want to share with her and stop complaining about financial. I wish i can express my love, my caring and my trueself to her. i don;t know what happen to me, i can't do it anymore....... i can't make her happy, i am wordless when i talk to her, when i see her and when i chat with her.

I guess it is time that i should visit a counsellor maybe.... anyway, since that now she need time to consider and i am alone. "loving on person like her" is my destiny and luck. She is the best gf i ever have and also the longest r/s i ever had in my life. i don;t feel like losing her but i don;t know how to prevent that from happening. i serious don;t know.

She seem to be so trouble and lost. She also felt guilty because of how we started and what happen in the past. i don;t know how to make her feel that she should feel otherwise. today after this incident, i guess i realise that i am actually not an expert in r/s or LDR. i am SUCKSSSSSSSSS at it.......

If my gf do read my blog.... i hope she knowss... that i love her, i want to take care of her rest of my life and i want to be there for her whenever i want..... but if she don't i do hope she knew it in her heart that she meant more than just a gf to me. she is the one who took my heart away long time ago. She is the one who give me courage to love agian, courage to get up agian......

All i hope now that, it will not affect my studies as R/S always hurts me and i hate to make what my parents say come true.... but end of the day, it is all up to her.... up to my beloved gf..... whatever decision she going to make, i will repsect it. all i hope is that you will made a decision that you will be most happy with even if it meant that i will ruin my life goals and dreams, all i hope is for you to stay happy....

i am sorry to hurt you, life has never been so pretty and wonderful before you. i wish to say thank you my dear.... thank you for all the things you have do for me, thank you for all the unforgettable moment you gave me. thank you for accepting me, thank you for allowing me to know you and be your bf and thank you for allowing me to meet your family.

"I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU EVEN IF IT KILLS ME", take care dear..... my final word to you... i know you will make the right decision.....